Thursday's Child (lauri8) wrote,
Thursday's Child

And a bit more privately I will add that I haven't read anyone's journal in some time, and I'm sure there are things going on in your lives that I should know about. I'm sorry to have been so withdrawn and self-centered--God knows some of you have had much more painful and devastating things to deal with this year than I have. I do love my friends, and I know it's completely counter-productive to shut yourself off when you feel this way, but that's what happened. I'd been mildly depressed for most of the year (that is, according to my friend Dan I was--I thought it started in August but he says it was long before that), and in August I barreled into full-blown "why can't you all just hate me as much as I hate myself" mode. Then Dan and Stew moved away and Marcel got killed. And then it got bad, really bad, as bad as I can remember it being, and I was frightened enough that I actually told people about just HOW bad it was, which is the first time I've ever done that. And that helped somewhat, and I'm still working on regaining my footing, but I'm feeling better, and I'm not just saying that. Thanks for emailing and sending Crimble cards and generally rocking. I'm very nervous about posting this at all, but I will anyway, because there are some people who deserve an explanation. Now get out there and give 2005 hell!

Jesus, when you post something like this you really start worrying about the privacy settings on this thing! I've been logging out and checking and logging in then logging back out and double-checking. . . .

Two days later: After I posted this (and the previous entry), I was uneasy for several hours. Eventually I was so antsy that I made the entries private so no one could see them. I didn't delete them, though--I guess that's an improvement. I've been reading back over them and hating, absolutely hating, the way I write and the arch self-consciousness of it all. Well, too bad. I decided to make them public again just to try to demonstrate to myself that it doesn't MATTER if I write or how I write. The world's not going to end if I expose myself a little. (Unless I walked naked down a public street, in which case the world would most definitely end.) Maybe for the New Year I could find a way to stop making myself the center of the universe. Although, everyone is and has to be the center of their own universe--our self is the only way we have to connect to the rest of the world, no matter how transcendant or unselfish the intention may be. Our self is the sole translator of our experience. So by "stop being the center of the universe" I really mean to let go of the fear that keeps my little universe from colliding with all the other little universes out there. What does one call a collection of universes? Maybe "galaxy" would have been a better word to use.

Another resolution: Stop over-analyzing.

Okay, another resolution: Stop being so self-deprecating.

Oh christ, it's ennnndlesssssssss . . . ! But this reminds me of one of my favorite resolutions I ever saw another person make. My quirky, steel magnolia of a cousin once wrote me at Christmas and stated with unshakeable firmness that one of her resolutions was to learn to drink her coffee black. I should get in touch with her and find out if she did.

And Shirley Chisholm, I think you were grand. I hope there will be many more like you.

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