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And a bit more privately I will add that I haven't read anyone's journal in some time, and I'm sure there are things going on in your lives that I should know about. I'm sorry to have been so withdrawn and self-centered--God knows some of you have had much more painful and devastating things to deal with this year than I have. I do love my friends, and I know it's completely counter-productive to shut yourself off when you feel this way, but that's what happened. I'd been mildly depressed for most of the year (that is, according to my friend Dan I was--I thought it started in August but he says it was long before that), and in August I barreled into full-blown "why can't you all just hate me as much as I hate myself" mode. Then Dan and Stew moved away and Marcel got killed. And then it got bad, really bad, as bad as I can remember it being, and I was frightened enough that I actually told people about just HOW bad it was, which is the first time I've ever done that. And that helped somewhat, and I'm still working on regaining my footing, but I'm feeling better, and I'm not just saying that. Thanks for emailing and sending Crimble cards and generally rocking. I'm very nervous about posting this at all, but I will anyway, because there are some people who deserve an explanation. Now get out there and give 2005 hell!


Jesus, when you post something like this you really start worrying about the privacy settings on this thing! I've been logging out and checking and logging in then logging back out and double-checking. . . .

Two days later: After I posted this (and the previous entry), I was uneasy for several hours. Eventually I was so antsy that I made the entries private so no one could see them. I didn't delete them, though--I guess that's an improvement. I've been reading back over them and hating, absolutely hating, the way I write and the arch self-consciousness of it all. Well, too bad. I decided to make them public again just to try to demonstrate to myself that it doesn't MATTER if I write or how I write. The world's not going to end if I expose myself a little. (Unless I walked naked down a public street, in which case the world would most definitely end.) Maybe for the New Year I could find a way to stop making myself the center of the universe. Although, everyone is and has to be the center of their own universe--our self is the only way we have to connect to the rest of the world, no matter how transcendant or unselfish the intention may be. Our self is the sole translator of our experience. So by "stop being the center of the universe" I really mean to let go of the fear that keeps my little universe from colliding with all the other little universes out there. What does one call a collection of universes? Maybe "galaxy" would have been a better word to use.

Another resolution: Stop over-analyzing.

Okay, another resolution: Stop being so self-deprecating.

Oh christ, it's ennnndlesssssssss . . . ! But this reminds me of one of my favorite resolutions I ever saw another person make. My quirky, steel magnolia of a cousin once wrote me at Christmas and stated with unshakeable firmness that one of her resolutions was to learn to drink her coffee black. I should get in touch with her and find out if she did.


And Shirley Chisholm, I think you were grand. I hope there will be many more like you.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
andieflynn
Jan. 3rd, 2005 07:44 am (UTC)
Aw, bunny! We've all missed you a lot. I'm sorry about the hard times lately, but I'm glad you're getting your crate-processing time.

Also, drinking coffee black is TEH YUCK.
ucakid
Jan. 3rd, 2005 09:37 am (UTC)
I know you-I don't know each other but we both know Andie so therefore have good taste.

I am PROUD of you. Don't "private" your entries after you expose yourself a little. By including people, you automatically take some of the power that depressive thoughts have away. Just in the past week, I hesitated telling Andie something really hard for me about money but I realized that by keeping it to myself, I was making it bigger than it had to be. I was so afraid she would think I'm irresponsible and not this squared away gal she's in love with. I stuck my big toe out and told her and of course it was no big deal to her but a big deal that I was brave enough to INCLUDE someone in on the number I was doing on myself.

I have had low times, indeed. If you ever want to talk about them privately I would be honored to do that with you.

Your problems are just as important to you as mine are to me, etc. It doesn't mean that mine are BIGGER than yours...so please reach out when you are carrying too heavy of a load because a lot of people really care about you and will gladly put down one of their own bricks to help you carry yours.

This CAN be a year of fullness...of joy and self-care instead of self-destruct. Is there somewhere outside that you enjoy? I want you to go there and just think about the things or places that cause you peace...not necessarily happiness, but PEACE...and go there to let some of this out too.

If I've spoken out of turn, I apologize but I do care and want you to have all that you can.
lauri8
Jan. 4th, 2005 04:47 am (UTC)
Gosh no, you haven't spoken out of turn--that was very kind of you. I didn't find a place outside, but Nora (my cat) attacked me later while I was lying on my bed moping. Watching her chew on my fingers while I tried to pet her made me laugh and took me out of myself for a while.

I'm not to the point where I can talk about any of my specific cares and worries other than the effect they're having on me--but I hope I get there. Or, even better, that I won't need to! Thank you, though--it's good to be reminded that I don't have to go it alone.
lauri8
Jan. 4th, 2005 04:55 am (UTC)
I've missed you, too! Thank you for being sweet (and for having such a lovely girlfriend). I read some of your LJ--just look at your mood icons, mang. Happy, happy, calm, cheerful, chipper. That is MOST excellent.

I hate my crate--it's stuffy and the view is terrible. I'm ready to break out.

And I've never been able to drink coffee black except in France, where we drank it dense and strong from tiny cups with lots of sugar in it.

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )